The ring crew are busy tightening the barbwire around the ropes, while specialists have been brought in to attach C4 to the ring posts. A fire marshal has been brought in to inspect the explosives being fixed to the ring. It suddenly makes sense why the Gund Arena would get this tribute to Hardkore America, no self-respecting city would host on an explosion death match.
Ace Scorpio : We're back fans, and after a hell of an evening its finally time for the big event.
Jax Carver : You said it Ace. We have seen a lot of gore tonight already, but if there are still any children at home watching, now would be a good time for our viewers to send them to bed and then call child protective services on yourselves, because you are horrible parents...
Ace Scorpio : "Beelzebozo" Buster Friendly and "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan are new blood to the Atlantic Coast, both debuting at our Washington episode of Turmoil in a multi-man match. Friendly came out on top of that encounter, pulling off the victory by forcing Everett Aloni to submit.
Jax Carver : You have to monitor what your kid's watch. My folks let me stay up late one night to watch a marathon of Peyton Place. I still have nightmares...
Ace Scorpio : To say that the two men have an unhealthy obsession with each other would be an understatement. Appreciating Beelzebozo's style, The Industrial Man has offered to help Friendly better himself. In response, Friendly seems to be making it his life's work to disappoint Balan before his liver finally collapses.
Jax Carver : That show was not only wildly inappropriate for children, but insanely boring!
Ace Scorpio : It took a tournament to get them together, but after all the blood thats been spilled tonight, this is going to be gruesome.
Frank Salazar : Ladies and gentlemen - this is your MAIN EVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !]
Frank Salazar : This barbwire explosive death match is scheduled for one fall, and is the finals of the 2017 Helloween Cup!!!!!
[Crowd: MASSIVE POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Frank Salazar : Entering first - standing at 6'2 and weighting in at 265, he makes his way to us from Huntington, WEST VIRGINIA this is BEELZBOZZZZZZZZOOOOOO!!!!
The lights go out and the opening fanfare of "Entrance of the Gladiators" by Julis Fucik starts to play. After the introduction, before the famous melody can begin, there is the sound of a record scratching, and then the maniacal laughter that only an evil clown can produce fills the air. The laughter ends abruptly and there is a second of awkward, uncomfortable silence before "Halloween (Celldweller remix)" cuts through the quiet.
Red lights illuminate the entranceway and their are noticeable fumbling motions behind the curtain before Beelzebozo finally emerges from the back.
His ill-fitting suit looking like he slept in it the last three days, porkpie hat perched precariously on top of his shock of red hair, and lit cigar in his mouth, the Clown From Hell stumbles down the aisle, cursing at women, spitting at men, and threatening to backhand little kids that try to touch him.
His everpresent Sack slung over one hunched shoulder, the bag of mischief bulging from the vile treasures within, Beelzebozo shambles down to the ring.
He puts his Sack down in the corner, and pulls out a balloon, stretching it repeatedly before blowing into it and quickly shaping it into a flawless Minnie Mouse. The crowd start to hiss, having smartened up to this mean routine. Beelzebozo hands the Minnie Mouse to a small girl at ringside and takes a deep bow as the crowd that were in the washroom the last time he did it gives him a small smattering of applause.
The Clown Prince of Chaos then takes his lit cigar from his mouth and jabs the giraffe with it, the small balloon animal exploding. The girl bursts into tears and the angry crowd throws garbage at Beelzebozo as he stumbles into the ring, almost tripping into the barbwire. Looks sharp.
Frank Salazar : And his opponent, making his way from Industry, Texas he stands at 6'3 and weighs in at 245 pounds, please put your hands together for...
THE INDUSTRIAL MAN
ATTILAAAAAAAAAA BALANNNNNN!!!
The house lights cut out leaving the arena in darkness as "Strict Machine" by Goldfrapp starts to pump over the PA System. Yellow sparks blast down on the entranceway giving the audience a flash of Attila Balan. Spot lights search through the crowd before running down the aisle to SWAT's newest star. Decked out in his third Halloween costume of the evening, Balan is now dressed as Bluey The Clown - the animatronic prop clown from FX2: The Deadly Art of Illusion. Even members of the audience that film reference goes over the heads of can appreciate the sight gag. In the ring, Beelzebozo seems somewhat less amused.
Jax Carver : I know I gave Balan crap for those dated Robocop and Maximum Overdrive references, but at least old people remember them.
Ace Scorpio : Balan doing cartwheels into the ring dressed as a robot clown, and if not for the blood loss earlier, I would guess that Friendly would be bright red.
Jax Carver : These two have a very passive aggressive friendship, but when that bell rings expect them to explode. Literally.
Ace Scorpio : Despite their grotesque first round encounters and that hellacious tag match, Industrial Man and Beelzebozo look incredibly fresh. You wouldn't know they've already wrestled twice this evening.
Jax Carver : Well Industrial Man has a team of a hundred putting him back together and polishing him up, while Beelzebozo... when he's looking his best, it doesn't take a lot of work.
DING DING DING
Ace Scorpio : Attila Balan offering a handshake which Buster Friendly surprisingly accepts... we might see the cleanest exploding barbwire death match of all time.
[Crowd: MASSIVE JEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jax Carver : Or not - Beelzebozo had a ball point hammer up his sleeve, and continuing to shake Balans hand, using his free one to repeatedly hit the Industrial Man in the head! Thats what I like to see!
The Bluey mask cracks open, one of the large blue eyes of the animatronic face starts to dangle out on strings. Beneath, Balan's eyes are still intact, barely, but the sharp ballpoint of the hammer has dug into the flesh. Another five stabs sends the Industrial Man crashing down to his knees. Shoving the hammer down the eye socket of the Bluey mask, Beelzebozo starts to walk away, only to charge back, dropkicking Balan in the face.
Ace Scorpio : Dropkick sending that hammer right into the face of Balan! Opening minute and the Industrial Man is already a bloody mess. Beelzebozo drops a elbow for the quick pin...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jax Carver : Industrial Man reaching into his destroyed mask, pulling out that ballpoint hammer and STABBING it into Friendly's hand to break the pin!
Ace Scorpio : Friendly recoiling his hand in pain. That broke the skin. Fighting back up to his feet, Balan punches Beelzebozo in the injured hand. Friendly turning his back to Balan to protect the hand, enjoys a knee to the spine. Force sends Beelzebozo into the corner-----------but he puts the breaks on before he can hit that C4. Breathing a sigh of relief, only to have Balan straight punch him again in that sore hand.
Jax Carver : Vicious! This feels like a very different Attila Balan from that happy go lucky businessman that's been making me want to vomit with all his positive vibrations.
The crowd pops hard as The Industrial Man starts to do the robot, kicking the hammer out of the ring with one mechanical dance move, before stopping to punch Beelzebozo again in his bloody fist. Letting out a stream of obscenities, Beelzebozo continues to hold his fist in pain, while trying to avoid backing into a corner. Finishing with his dance moves, Balan starts to move in for another assault. Reaching into his sleeve, Beelzebozo pulls out a fistful of pink powder; which he tosses into Balan's face. With the mask ripped open, the powder finds its mark, blinding the robot.
Ace Scorpio : Buster Friendly blinding The Industrial Man, now pulling a TON of handkerchiefs out of his sleeve to tie off his bloody hand.
Jax Carver : He certainly has a lot of room up there.
Ace Scorpio : Friendly giving up on finding the end of the handkerchiefs instead takes a fistful and starts choking out the blinded Industrial Man! Looping the cheap polka dotted fabric into - is it - yes-----
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Ace Scorpio : WHISKY LULLABY! WHISKY LULLABY!!!
Jax Carver : IT'S LOCKED IN!
Ace Scorpio : BEELZEBOZO WITH HIS PATENTED SLEEPERHOLD!!!! You had to wonder how much Attila Balan still had in the tank after those last two battles, but this has to be a record for fastest Helloween Cup final for Beelzebozo!
Jax Carver : I'll have to check with Buster after the match, I know the Guinness Book of Records is the only book he owns. It came free with a case of the stuff. Proud moment for the alcoholic clown, and the crowd DIED the moment he hooked the Whisky Lullaby on. They didn't even use the barbwire!
Ace Scorpio : Referee Skip Tracy checking on Attila Balan, but there are no ropes to force a break, this is it--------------
[Crowd: MASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIVE POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Ace Scorpio : HOW DID HE?! ATTILA BALAN BROKE THE WHISKY LULLABY! TORE THOSE HANDKERCHIEFS APART LIKE THEY WERE KLEENEX!
The fragments of ripped handkerchief havent even hit the canvas when Attila Balan buries a knee into Buster Friendly's midsection. As the clown doubles over, Balan pulls him into a powerbomb, holding on to hoist Friendly up in the air again. Repositioning himself closer to the ropes, Balan brings Friendly down across the top barbwire rope.
Ace Scorpio : The Industrial Man with a power bomb into the barbwire!
Jax Carver : The barbwire held tight! They really wrapped it around the ropes.
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo flailing around like a man whose back is being torn to shreds as Balan hangs on to his a repeater powerbomb into the barbwire. That is a lot of weight, but the wire not showing any give. Eeew.
[Crowd cringes.]
Jax Carver : Again... and again... and again... Ace... tell me when its over.
Ace Scorpio : Will do Jax. Balan repeatedly pulling Beelzebozo down across that top barbwire rope. The back of Friendly's clothing is in tatters, he's bleeding like a faucet. Friendly has gone limp as Balan hits powerbomb after powerbomb into the barbwire. Even referee Skip Tracy is having a hard time watching...
Drenched in blood, the barbwire top rope finally starts to shake like the force of Beelzebozo's body has loosened it.
Ace Scorpio : Pulling away from the ropes and The Industrial Man shifts his grip to turn it into a TIGER BOMB! Big impact in the center of the ring, and Beelzebozo looks like something out of dawn of the dead. The cover is academic...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-------------------------------------------------BEELZEBOZO BREAKS THE PIN!
[Crowd: MONSTER JEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jax Carver : What do you mean breaks the pin? Did he kick out, punch out, get his shoulder up?
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo just BROKE the pin. A second Beelzebozo is in the ring, stomping a hole into the Industrial Man! So much for their mutual respect.
Jax Carver : A second Beelzebozo? A guy can't close his eyes for two seconds!
Ace Scorpio : This second Beelzebozo using a metal soda syphon to spray the unconscious first Beelzebozo in the face. Waking him up - then repeated slamming the syphon into the back of Industrial Man's head.
Jax Carver : I would bet money that first Beelzebozo was one of the clown's decoys from earlier in the show. The one that wasn't beaten up by the Moose. ...Ace... I'm not comfortable with the direction these new talents are taking us.
Ace Scorpio : None of us our, Jax. Buster Friendly and his decoy double teaming The Industrial Man into a bloody mess. Draping Balan's head across the bottom barbwire rope, and BOTH MEN standing on his head trying to grind his throat against that barbwire!
Jax Carver : For Balan's sake I hope his Ludacris costume is absorbing some of that razor wire, but the blood shooting out suggests otherwise. GROSS! It almost hit me.
Ace Scorpio : Of all nights for the announce position to need a sneeze guard, THIS is the night! The clowns dragging Balan up for a double side Russian legsweep, and again stomping away! Come on ref! I know there are bombs and barbwire, but Balan didn't sign on for a handicap match!
Jax Carver : What's Skip Tracy going to do? Disqualify Friendly? Can you imagine the SWAT Helloween Cup ENDING in a disqualification? Johnny Valentine would turn over in his grave. Takeda Yokosuda would KILL US.
Ace Scorpio : ...I believe he would. I guess they should carry on with the double-teaming. Still after all that talk about wanting Balan one on one to resort to these kinds of tactics? Letting him use what was left in the tank on an opponent who wasnt even the legal man. Double short arm closeline looks as awkward as it sounds. I don't know how Beelzebozo lives with himself!
Jax Carver : He doesn't either. Decoy Friendly holding up that soda syphon bottle against Balan's head - and BEELZEBOZO with a VICIOUS dropkick!
Ace Scorpio : That metal bottle has a dent in it! Hook of the leg...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jax Carver : Foot on the barbwire. So Beelzebozo drags it across. Now pulling Balan to the middle of the ring while barking orders at his less talented doppelganger... here it comes!
[Crowd: MONSTER JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Ace Scorpio : DOUBLE KNEE SLAPPER! The Industrial Man looks like they broke his jaw, that is going to be all she wrote!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Taking a page out of my book, I knew you had it in you."
The audience lose their shit as Bobbi and Toni pull back the entrance curtains to reveal "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan. Dressed as T-1000, so Robert Patrick as a cop if he was covered in silver paint. The wonderful mechanical tycoon who is a friend to all men but hates nature and has taken a personal interest in the wrestling clown, makes his way out of the back with a microphone.
Attila Balan : At this rate we'll make you the best Buster Friendly by our next quarter!
Staring up from the battered Mass Produced Industrial Man with an irritated hatred, Buster Friendly barks at referee Skip Tracy to finish the three count, only to be informed that his legal opponent has yet to enter the ring.
Jax Carver : So wait, NEITHER of the men who started this contest were the real ones!?
Ace Scorpio : Its Halloween... a time for playing tricks, and it looks like the army of Balan fans are eating up this double dupe. Apparently great minds think alike.
Jax Carver : What dicks.
As Attila Balan arrives at ringside, Beelzebozo grabs a fistful of Decoy Buster's hair, throwing his double over the top rope like a projectile weapon. Pulling out a folding chair thats been painted the same metallic grey to visually look like his T-1000 arm has morphed into a chair, Balan swings hard, catching Decoy Buster in the head and sending him flying. Flashbulbs go off throughout the arena at the impact, as the fake clown crashing to the ground.
Ace Scorpio : THAT is going to leave a mark.
Jax Carver : Did you hear that thump?
As security and medical staff collect the broken decoy from his heap, Balan stares up at the ring. Letting loose a stream of curses that are fortunately not picked up on camera, Beelzebozo throws the Mass Produced Industrial Man back into the barbwire. Reaching into his pants, Buster Friendly pulls out a unicycle. Also channelling his days as a double A baseball players, which I just made up, Friendly swings the Unicycle, catching MPIM in the temple and sending him crashing out of the ring.
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo now sending Industrial Knockoff Man out of the ring, and security are collecting him as well. The two finalists staring holes in each other, and the crowd is electric!
Jax Carver : High anticipation for the ACTUAL participants of the final to ACTUALLY lock-up as we are now TEN MINUTES into this contest! Im starting to understand why Phoenix made these two get to the finals of a tournament before getting a one on one match, because they are <bleep> crazy.
The flashbulbs start again as Balan starts to slide in under the bottom rope with his chair. Not losing a second, Beelzebozo hops onto the second barbwire rope, before pulling the unicycle under him as he arrives at the top. By the time The Industrial Man is getting upright, Beelzebozo is riding a unicycle on the top barbwire rope. This makes for an insanely cool still image, emphasis on STILL. Friendly is only able to keep up this amazing feat for milliseconds; barely able to walk a straight line on a good day, let along operate a vehicle. Trying to make the best of a bad situation, Beelzebozo attempts to make his fall look like a flying crossbody block just as Balan starts to swing his T-1000 chair - the two crash into each other.
Ace Scorpio : NASTY COLLISION sees both men knocked back into the barbwire.
Jax Carver : ATTILA BALAN HAS HAD HIS HAND CUT OFF!!!!
Ace Scorpio : ...He dropped the chair from his T-1000 costume.
Jax Carver : What happened to the kid in you?
Ace Scorpio : Balan comes to, just in time to avoid a unicycle to the face. Industrial Man rolling away from another one as Buster Friendly takes turns swinging that damned cycle like a weapon when he isn't riding it to his next attempt at swinging it like a weapon.
Jax Carver : It's like Walt Whitman poetry in motion!
Ace Scorpio : Balan retrieving his chair-
Jax Carver : Duelling Chair Unicycle!
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#CHILDISH BIKE BELL RING RING#
#SMACK#
#RING RING#
#SMACK RING SMACK RING RING RING RING SMACK#
...
#RING RING#
#SMACK#
Ace Scorpio : Heavy swing by Balan almost knocks Friendly back into one of the C4 corners. Another heavy swing, and another! Buster is bringing up his bike enough to block them, but every impact is sending him closer towards that bomb!
Grabbing a fistful of barbwire, Beelzebozo flinches as he pulls himself over the top rope to the apron, narrowly missing a huge chair shot. The chair becomes stuck between the middle and top ropes of barbwire, centimetres away from the bomb, but just avoiding it. Finding Balan's chair out of the picture, Friendly lets out a forced laugh before swinging his unicycle from the apron and catching Balan in the face.
#RING RING#
Jax Carver : From the apron Beelzebozo with a series of shots, that tire tearing the Robert Patrick mask off of Balan's face.
Ace Scorpio : Confidence building, Beelzebozo starts to re-enter - no - Balan pulling a silver painted sword out of his cop sleeve, to once again look like T-1000!
Jax Carver : That's more like it! ...Also Phoenix should ban sleeves!
Ace Scorpio : Not swords? That momentary confidence slipping away as Beelzebozo is now using his unicycle to block sword thrusts!
Jax Carver : DUELLING UNICYCLE SWORD!
#ring rin*
Ace Scorpio : Balan's sword hand cutting the unicycle in half, and Beelzebozo bailing from the apron out to the floor. Stalking around ringside as he searches his pants for a better weapon to fight with. The Industrial Man as T-1000 following him out with that sword.
Beelzebozo smiles as he feels something in his oversized trousers, with a devilish smile, the clown spins around to face his nemesis with... a fish. Buster Friendly seems a little put off by the surprise as well.
Jax Carver : DUELLING FISH SWO---
A quick swipe of his blade arm cuts the fish in two. Wide eyed and terrified, Buster starts to backpedal while searching through his weapons stockade.
Jax Carver : DUELLING TRICYCLE SWO---
[Crowd: MASSIVE POP!]
Jax Carver : DUELLING BALLOON SWORD REAL SWOR--- how did that not work? DUELLING PLAYING CARDS VS SWORD... nope. Balan has some impressive reflexes to cut those in midair. For Friendly's part, those are some impressively spacious pants. They seem to have the same dimensions as the Tardis.
#SQUEAK#
Ace Scorpio : A rubber chicken is also cut in two. Running out of places to run, Beelzebozo slumps backwards waiting defiantly to get cut to pieces.
Holding his blade arm up in the air, T-1000 Balan allows the blade to retract back into his cop sleeve. Buster Friendly looks relieved, but then incredibly pissed off. Attila Balan reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a photo, holding it down for Buster to see.
Attila Balan : Have you seen this boy?
The crowd pops hard for all the robot costumes finally paying off with a cathartic troubled childhood revelation, as Balan holds out a picture of Buster Friendly as a child. Buster doesn't seem as amused.
Ace Scorpio : Uh oh.
Jax Carver : I hope the Industrial Man came with a warranty because Beelzebozo looks pissed.
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo exploding back up to his feet, gouging Balan in the eyes, and ramming him headfirst into the steel steps. Wrapping a fist in his chopped up rubber chicken for protection - peppers Balans arm with punches, driving that blade that Balan has up his sleeve into his arm. The blood is soaking through that metallic grey paint on the uniform.
Jax Carver : Beelzebozo is like an animal, biting and clawing at Balan when he isnt ramming his only friends head into the guardrail.
Ace Scorpio : Kneeling on the back of Balan's head to choke him against the guardrail, Buster using his hands to make a balloon AK-47! I know Beelzebozo likes to play up what a horrible clown he is, but that is some amazing craftsmanship.
[Crowd: MONSTER BOOS!!!!!!!!]
Jax Carver : Well lets not put his name forwards to entertain the kids at the SWAT Christmas party just yet. Beelzebozo still choking The Industrial Man while working up the crowd into a frenzy, pretending to shoot his balloon gun. Do we have any sponsors left?
Ace Scorpio : I'm trying not to think about it. Beelzebozo FORCE FEEDING that AK-47 down Industrial Man's throat. Trying to teach Balan a lesson in humiliation for trying to make him confront his own personal demons. A few of the balloons popped, but the bulk of them are still inflated and blocking Balan's windpipe!
Jax Carver : The Industrial Man flailing around like he can't breath.
Pleased with himself, Beelzebozo looks back out at the crowd and suddenly notices how many children are in attendance. There are super heroes and Disney princesses, but a number of them are dressed as clowns. Luchian Inc. clown costumes. Not scary, sad, creepy, demonic, or Mike Myers as a kid clowns; but happy, nice, friendly clowns. Beelzebozo looks over at his only friend - still choking to death. Did he do this? Despite the adults calling out for his death, the children stare up, just happy to see a clown. As the kids cheer him on, the moment passes, with his full Beelzebozo persona retreating back into Buster Friendly.
Ace Scorpio : Buster Friendly seems distracted by all the children dressed as clowns in the audience. Hopefully The Industrial Man can use that distraction to catch his breath.
Jax Carver : Catch his breath? Hell be lucky to start breathing again. I didn't know that robots could turn purple.
Tearing off the sleeve of his silver police uniform, Balan winces as he cuts his fingers digging the long blade out of his arm. Blood splatters the crowd as The Industrial Man manages to remove the sharp object. Not paying attention to his arm bleeding out, Balan instead stares up at the rafters, and runs the blade down his throat. Not a sword swallower, its hard to tell the amount of internal damage he causes running the blade down his throat.
#POP#
#POP#
#POP#
Bursting the balloon AK-47, Balan drops the blade, rolling onto his side as he sucks up air again. Gasping, Balan uses the shredded sleeve of his T-1000 outfit to tie off his left arm. Weak. Beaten. Forcing himself back up, only to find Buster Friendly by the guardrail being hugged by children. Looking up from the clown kids to his friend, a horribly conflicted Buster Friendly actually seems ready to thank his benefactor.
#CLANG#
Ace Scorpio : With one arm, Attila Balan pulled Buster Friendly away from the crowd, throwing the clown prince of chaos into the steel ring steps.
Jax Carver : It looks like it's now the robot's turn to get emotional.
Ace Scorpio : Balan grabbing the feet drags Buster off the ring steps, slowly so he can bump his head on each step. GIANT SWING sends Buster slamming into the guardrail, hanging on to swing him into the ring steps. Still hanging on sends him back into the guardrail, that frightened off the clown's cheering section. Back again---
#CLANG#
Ace Scorpio : KNOCKS THE RINGSTEPS OVER! Buster taking a nasty gash on his left eyebrow is now bleeding heavily, and looks unconscious. Another spin into the guardrail, and then back LETS GO SO BUSTER IS SENT FLYING INTO THE RINGPOST!
Jax Carver : Goodnight Irene.
Ace Scorpio : Buster Friendly looks dead, all Balan needs now is a pin to make it official. The Industrial Man moving in for the kill---what are they doing here?
Over the guardrail jumps a few of the uninvited SWAT Backyard players. Sirius Man swings a metal chain around in the air, whipping it across Attila Balans back. Every strike rips through clothing and flesh. Less precise are the TREE from Poltergeist and Zork Nontext, who use a branch and elven blade respectively to met out punishment.
Jax Carver : Some of Viper's goons have made their way out of the crowd. The one in the dog mask promised earlier in the show to avenge Aztec Draculas first round tournament loss - but this is ridiculous.
Ace Scorpio : The former SWATB workers triple teaming The Industrial Man will all sorts of weapons. The crowd is going ballistic as Sirius Man whips Balan bloody! Where is security?
Jax Carver : Probably still dealing with the Decoy Friendly and Mass Produced Industrial Man from earlier.
Ace Scorpio : I hate irony.
Jax Carver : From the looks of this beating, The SWAT Backyard losers hate Iron Man too.
Ace Scorpio : Sirius Man wrapping Industrial Man's arm behind his back with that chain, while the other two take turns clubbing him with their comical blunt force objects.
Jax Carver : These Backyard idiots are doing to the prestige of this tournament what Takeda Yokosuda was claiming SWAT was doing to it! Someone needs to get these morons out of here!
Buster Friendly slowly gets up to his feet, wiping blood out of his eyes as he watches Balan get dismantled by the VVV reprobate squad. Thats not right. No one gets to kill his friend but him. Reaching over to his bag of tricks, Buster Friendly lifts it up, sifting through it before pulling out a bottle of Spirytus - 192 proof.
Ace Scorpio : Here comes Beelzebozo to put the finally nail in The Industrial Man's coffin! Wait dousing TREE in that alco--- you can smell it from here.
Jax Carver : My eyes are watering.
Covering the giant Tree in alcohol seems to get the three men's attention. Zork Nontext charges at Beelzebozo with his elven blade!
>tiptoe past clown and go to opened sack.
You avoided combat with the demonic clown.
Ducking under a tree branch, Beelzebozo smashes the bottle of Spirytus over the head of Sirius Man, knocking the dog-faced luchador out cold.
>Search opened sack.
There is withered, yellow envelope addressed to Buster Friendly from his father.
>Take unopened ancient letter.
Taken.
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo fighting off the Backyard parasites, protecting Balan out of a sense of friendship, or perhaps not wanting these tournament finals to be tainted by this outside interference.
Jax Carver : Beelzebozo doesn't strike me as the kind of man who cares about tainted victories.
Ace Scorpio : ...Beelzebozo fighting with the SWAT B rejects because he is a violent man with a bad temper who only knows how to communicate with his fists?
Jax Carver : That's more like it!
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo has downed Sirius Man with a bottle to the head, but is having a harder time with the much larger TREE, unable to find his lighter. Zork Nontext seems more interested in stealing Friendly's worldly possessions than getting actively involved in the brawl.
Chains fall to the floor as a badly bruised Attila Balan slowly gets up to his feet. Grabbing the candle that Zork Nontext ALWAYS CARRIES with him as a source of light, Balan tosses it at the 192 proof covered tree. The philanthropist robot really hates nature.
Jax Carver : WHOA! ATTILA BALAN JUST SET TREE ON FIRE! The SWAT Backyard monster swinging around flaming branches!
Ace Scorpio : Can we get a fire extinguisher out here? One of those flaming branches just knocked Beelzebozo backwards onto the prone Sirius Man. Who is that? I dont recognize that referee...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SWAT B referee Slow Burns raises an irritated Beelzebozo's arm in victory! The burning TREE runs back into the audience trying desperately to find water. From the pathway that Tree has created, SWAT Backyard announcer Frederico Villaini runs up to the guardrail with another live mic. I smell conspiracy.
Frederico Villaini : The winners of this match and *NEW* SWAT TWINSTAR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS - THE TEAM OF ATTILA BALAN AND BUSTER FRIENDLY - FUNNY BUSINESS!!!
The audience hate SWAT Backyard but like the idea of Attila Balan with a title, so pop slightly. The two Helloween Cup finalists look confused as Slow Burns hands them the SWAT Twinstar Tag belts. Coming too, Sirius Man howls in rage, realizing his sneak attack has led to a title loss for his federation of choice. Vile Viper is going to have his hide. As security start to pour out of the back, Burns, Sirius, Villaini, and even Zork Nontext jump the guardrail and make a run for it. Balan and Friendly exchange confused looks.
Jax Carver : A backyard title? OH NO! We just got rid of the Rocky Mountain strap. I am not acknowledging the belts of another defunct federation.
Ace Scorpio : The Industrial Man staggering over to Beelzebozo with an outstretched hand, thanking him for the save, and congratulating him on the title win.
[Crowd: WHAT A JERK BOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!!!!]
Ace Scorpio : Not used to people being nice to him, Beelzebozo just clocked Industrial Man with his Twinstar belt. Using the strap to whip Attila across his already bloodied back, furthering the damage from Sirius' chain.
Jax Carver : Knocking Industrial Man out cold, Buster Friendly smiling at how useful this title belt is, wrapping it around his waist. THROW IT AWAY BUSTER! You don't want that! Damn it. Proudly displaying his new title belt, Friendly throws Balan back in the ring... ouch.
Ace Scorpio : Missing, Beelzebozo threw Balan face first into the barbwire. A second attempt gets Balan under the bottom rope, and Buster follows him to officially get this match back in the ring.
Jax Carver : For a match that started with neither of the participants, and already has a title change, its nice to see both men look like raw meat as we finally get into the ring without any props. Except for the barbwire, bombs, and that title belt.
Ace Scorpio : Balan is out on his back, and Beelzebozo carefully clambering around the C4-----PUNCHLINE!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
?
Jax Carver : I don't know how Balan managed to kickout of that!
Ace Scorpio : Neither does Beelzebozo, who takes off that tag title belt, and DRIVES it down into Balan's face. Wait - what - Beelzebozo now tying the strap around Attila Balan's head, what is he --- oh no!
Jax Carver : He wouldn't!
Ace Scorpio : Spinning drop toeho-----
#BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM#
The crowd begins a number of chants about their shock and awe, but the variations are so diverse that nothing catches on. Mouths are still agape and flashbulbs catching the aftermath, as Beelzebozo wrapped one of the championship belts around Balan's face then drove it into the first of the C4 corners. Embers still litter the ground as the smoke clears. The title belt is now smouldering on the mat, while Balan lies back with his hair singed from the blast.
Jax Carver : What an animal!
Ace Scorpio : Buster Friendly just DROVE Attila Balan face first into the C4!!! Leaning back on his downed opponent...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE---------------------------------------------------
Jax Carver : I'm not sure if that was a seizure as the life went out of him, but Attila Balan SOMEHOW managed kickout. Weak kickout, but after that, hell, he MIGHT BE a damned robot!
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo trying to drag Balan up with a fistful of hair, but it comes out - burnt off from the blast! The Industrial Man has pieces of gold plate in his face, he needs medical attention! Perhaps Buster is aware of that as well, as he's frustrated that they haven't finished.
Jax Carver : What's it going to take to put the Industrial Man away?
Ace Scorpio : Grabbing Balan by the throat, Beelzebozo pulling him into------- can he--- yes--- WHISKY LULLABY!!! ATTILA BALAN LOOKS LIKE ROAD KILL AS THE REFEREE CHECKS TO SEE IF HE'S STILL IN IT!!!
Jax Carver : Just call for the bell!
Ace Scorpio : Skip Tracy lifting that arm - it falls....
ONCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE'S THE THIRD-------
#BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM#
The crowd go nuts as Balan pushes backwards, forcing Buster backfirst into the second C4 laced corner. Writhing around in agony, Buster Friendly pulls off his burning coat, inspecting the burning barbwire that's now dug into his back like shrapnel.
Jax Carver : Both men down after that explosion!
Ace Scorpio : Wait, Balan shooting steam out of his nose, quickly back up to his feet. Flexing for the crowd! Recharging! Beating his chest to let them know hes once again at 100% because he's steam powered!
Jax Carver : He still looks like that possum I repeated ran over on my way to the arena. Also he's covered in blood.
Ace Scorpio : That's not all he's covered in. Crowd members tossing him cans of motor oil! Stop that people! He has serious OPEN WOUNDS! Don't do it Attila! Eww.
Jax Carver : Balan now dousing himself motor oil! Beelzebozo is still out from that explosion, and here comes - a suicide slip and slide headbutt!
Ace Scorpio : He was slippery enough from all that blood, he didn't need the motor oil as well. Balan managing to work a spinning elbow to the jaw as he rolls over on the mat on top of Beelzebozo for the cover...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-----------------------------------
Jax Carver : Beelzebozo manages to get a shoulder up, then wraps his arms around Balan's neck to lock on his patented sleeper again!
Ace Scorpio : WHISKY LULLABY---------------that motor oil is making The Industrial Man too slippery!
Jax Carver : Buster Friendly eats another elbow to the jaw for the attempt, and Balan getting up while Buster seems intent to crawl in the opposite direction...
Leaning halfway out the ring, Buster Friendly goes to check his sack of goodies, only to sneer as he finds Zork Nontext playing around with the contents. Zork seems to be desperately searching for a new source of light along with generally sabotaging anything he sees no value in. At the sight of the demonic clown, Nontext beats a hasty retreat. Spitting blood, Beelzebozo reaches into the sack to retrieve...
Ace Scorpio : What does Buster Friendly want with a bottle of baby powder?
Jax Carver : Whatever he is, he just came back into the ring to take a knife-edge chop to the eyes!
[Crowd: oooooooooooooooooow!]
Ace Scorpio : A second knife-edge chop forces Beelzebozo to drop the baby powder, now Balan going for----
Jax Carver : CMW SPECIAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
?
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo with the presence of mind to grab a fistful of barbwire, not that he seems to happy about it, but it kept him alive. Balan now going for the Progress Lock, you had better believe that will be all she wrote for Friendly! Starting to put that figure-four on...
Jax Carver : But Friendly using a sharp piece of that blown up title belt to slash away at Balan's leg. And freed he goes for the baby powder bottle - splashing it in Balan's face.
Ace Scorpio : Isn't baby powder white? That doesn't look like baby powder.
Jax Carver : No it looks a lot more like gunpowder. Buster Friendly looks as shocked at this change of contents as Balan does. You leave your bag at ringside like that and anyone can mess with it.
Ace Scorpio : Its not stopping Buster from powdering Balan though - The Industrial Man coughing it off, MECHANIZED CLOSELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jax Carver : DUCKED!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Ace Scorpio : Attila Balan missing Beelzebozo and charging into the barbwire instead, quite tangled up in it. Here comes Beelzebozo from behind...
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Jax Carver : WHISKY LULLABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ace Scorpio : And whatever that powder is has dried out the motor oil to the point where Beelzebozo can lock it on - here we go!
Jax Carver : Attila Balan is flailing around in that barbwire, still quite tied up, but nowhere to go! This is Buster's big chance!
Ace Scorpio : Skip Tracy asking if Balan submits, but the Industrial Man shaking emphatically no! He's getting groggy. I don't know how long he is going to be able to keep this up.
Jax Carver : Balan using his one good arm to take a piece of golden shrapnel out of his face - digging it into Friendly's hand! But Beelzebozo still won't give it up.
Ace Scorpio : Balan once again reaching into his coat pocket...
Attila Balan : Do... you... know... th-------
Jax Carver : He almost killed him the last time he pulled that one out!
Ace Scorpio : Balan again doing his best T-1000 impression with a childhood picture of Buster Friendly. Beelzebozo is almost foaming at the mouth, he's THAT mad. Bending slighting forwards, Beelzebozo pulling some of the looser barbwire strands into the hold. We saw this earlier tonight, absolutely grizzly, with him using that barbwire to assist his Whisky Lullaby!
Jax Carver : Not again. I was planning to grab a nice meal after this! Ace, tell me when I can watch!
Ace Scorpio : The livid Beelzebozo choking away, and Attila Balan's throat looks like a waterfall of blood. We're going to need some serious medical attention. Skip Tracy doesn't even want to drop that bloody arm, asking Balan to submit.
As soon as the Industrial Man starts to slump over the chants start up.
ATTILA! ATTILA!
Finding some emergency energy reserves, The Industrial Man grabs the top barbwire rope, and starts to yank on it. The loose strands around Beelzebozo's arm begin to tighten, further choking Balan but also digging into the clown prince of chaos' arm.
Jax Carver : I think Balan is doing more damage to himself than Friendly!
Ace Scorpio : Balan trying to use the barbwire wrapped around his throat and Beelzebozo's arm to break the Whisky Lullaby, but Buster Friendly looks like a man possessed---
Letting out a roar of agony, Attila Balan gives one last pull, in a show of robotic strength to remove Buster Friendly's arm from around his throat. The pain cry is matched by Beelzebozo's shriek of frustration. The two men scream their lungs out as the barbwire acts as a pulley, separating them.
Jax Carver : That didn't sound human! Beelzebozo immediately going for a superman punch, but Attila Balan blocks it!
Ace Scorpio : Balan now trying to hit another CMW Special, but Beelzebozo uses the barbwire to sabotage it!
Jax Carver : Both men trading punches, but they are dead on their feet!
Ace Scorpio : The fact that both look like they're an arm down doesnt help! Beelzebozo ducking a punch, and grabs Balan's bloodied arm IRISH WHIP INTO THE CORNER!!!!!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
#THWACK#
Jax Carver : Balan sent charging into that corner with the steel chair stuck in it! Hit the chair hard, but it protected him from the C4!
Ace Scorpio : I'm amazing that didn't go off! HERE COMES BEELZEBOZO WITH THE CLOWN CAR CRASH!!!!!!!!
Jax Carver : HERE IT COMES!!!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
#THWACK#
Jax Carver : Is anything going to set that bomb off?
Ace Scorpio : Apparently Beelzebozo is in agreement, so is going for a second one - CLOWN CAR CRASH-------------Balan side steps it!
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
#TWACK#
Jax Carver : Beelzebozo finding no one home but that chair - and the bomb still doesn't go off!
Ace Scorpio : Balan now with another MECHANIZED CLOSELI----------
[!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
######BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM#########
The closeline has just enough force to drive both men hard enough into the steel chair to set off the C4. The chair comes apart, but not before directing the blast upwards towards the two men's heads. This also ignites the black powder that both men are now covered in, for a much bigger explosion than the previous two.
Ace Scorpio : THE C4 WENT OFF!
Jax Carver : WHAT A BLAST!!!
Ace Scorpio : BOTH MEN DOWN!!! BOTH MEN COMPLETELY OUT FROM THAT EXPLOSION!!!
Jax Carver : Wait... each has an arm over each other...
Ace Scorpio : Both men look like smouldering corpses, but their mangled bodies somehow making up a double pin!
Jax Carver : Get your damn shoulders up! Roll away!!!
Ace Scorpio : Skip Tracy comes in for the count...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE?
?
The two men start to twist around slightly, smoking barbwire wrapped around both their bloody, charred bodies. As Industrial Man tries to move his left hand, the barbwire connecting it to Beelzebozo's left arm pulls tight, dragging it over.
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DING! DING!! DING!!!!!!!!!
The crowd let out a deafening chorus of boos.
Ace Scorpio : He did it!
Jax Carver : Is he even conscious?!
Frank Salazar : THE WINNER OF THIS HELLOWEEN CUP---------
"B E E L Z E B O Z O"
B U S T E R
F R I E N D L Y ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Garbage starts to fill the ring.
Ace Scorpio : Beelzebozo somehow managing to get his shoulder up! My god what a match!
Jax Carver : They are definitely going to feel it in the morning.
Starring up at the lights through blood shot eyes, Attila Balan says something to Buster Friendly. Eyes shut, it's not entirely clear that Buster hears it, or is even conscious.
Ace Scorpio : Here comes President Phoenix down to present the award. After that bloodbath he had with these men just an hour ago, it says a lot about our president that hes willing to personally hand over the award.
Finally coming to, Beelzebozo starts to climb what barbwire remains in a daze, looking through black swollen eyes for his best friend, tag partner, and nemesis to continue the brawl. Sitting a few feet away, Balan attempts to stop some bleeding, leaning against the bottom barbwire rope to see if one of his lungs has collapsed.
Jax Carver : Beelzebozo doesn't look like he's finished! Swinging wildly as referee Skip Tracy tries to remove some of the barbwire connecting the two men.
Ace Scorpio : Into the ring comes Phoenix and the rest of SWAT's upper brass to begrudgingly congratulate our winner. Skip Tracy trying to explain he won, but Beelzebozo can't believe it.
Jax Carver : You're looking at a career loser, a hurricane of self-destructive impulses - he's not used to pulling off the big one. Phoenix had better give him that cup before Friendly asks for the match to be restarted!
Ace Scorpio : The presence of Phoenix in the ring seems to be making the crowd throw less trash at Friendly. Fans, we can't always be happy about the results, I don't think anyone is happy about this one - including Buster Friendly - but its never ok to throw garbage at the ring.
As the cup is forced into his hands, Buster Friendly feels around it for a moment, trying to force his swollen eyes open. The slight cracks that can be made out around the hamburger meat cheeks start to flinch. Not sure how to process the victory, Beelzebozo looks ready to stab someone with a knife; then stares down at the cup. What is this feeling coming over him? Happiness? Disgust? Resentment? The Germans are the only people who have a word for the exact combination that Friendly is going through, and being a product of the American public school system, Beelzebozo doesn't possess those language skills.
Jax Carver : What is that smell of cabbage drifting through the air? Jesus - can you smell that? I think I'm going to be sick.
Ace Scorpio : Wait - WHO are they?
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Before Phoenix can give a speech, Beelzebozo finds himself lifted up in the air by all manner of carnies - from sleazy game of chance workers to bearded ladies and strong men.
Jax Carver : A small army of circus freaks have flooded the ring, hoisting Beelzebozo up in the air in victory.
Ace Scorpio : Buster Friendly with his Helloween Cup being lifted up in the air by circus performers. Friendly seems to know them, and is just as shocked and troubled by their appearance as he is his own victory.
Attila Balan : Con...gratulations Buster.
From his barbwire-laced corner, Attila Balan coughs up blood.
Attila Balan : I knew... you had it in you. ...So I had Luchian Incorporated buy your old circus as a treat. With all your friends here to support you, I know you'll do great things.
Hearing that the Industrial Man now owns his circus, his past, his only positive acquaintances; Buster Friendly can't help but let out a sardonic laugh. This is short livid as the rage sets in, and he starts trying to kick violently at the people celebrating his triumphant moment. They are unphased. They know Buster.
As the circus throws Buster Friendly up in the air with cheers of hip hip hurray and one of us, the clown prince of chaos clasps the Helloween Cup close to his chest, shooting an evil glare down at the Industrial Man.
</bleep>
