PSA 2: Why watering your lawn is important!
Oct 4, 2021 19:18:17 GMT -5
BRAVE1, Jesse Jamester, and 1 more like this
Post by Scruffy Burns on Oct 4, 2021 19:18:17 GMT -5
The shrill and beautiful cry of an Eagle greets the dew-moistened astroturf of the post-post-dawn period of the day.
Some might call it noon.
Scruffy Burns might call it America!
Scruffy Burns:
Spray this grass a little more, I want the dew of the morning that George Washington landed his great sea steed upon the rocky shores of New Britania and turned it into AMERICA!
Huge Thumbs up from Scruffy Burns, who was in a turn of the surreal is dressed as Lady Liberty. To say he looks out of place in a green toga and wearing a hastily constructed crown would be an understatement.
“Lady Liberty”:
Scruffy, no one is going to believe…
You know what, I’ll get the hose…
“Lady Liberty” today has chosen a rather normal ensemble of vintage and slightly oversized Nine In Nails “Pretty Hate Machine” T-shirt, a black wool beanie over her hair, still colored in Statue of Liberty Green, and black jean shorts. She looks, both disinterested, annoyed, and highly fascinated by this turn of events.
Scruffy Burns:
That’s right, today I have taken up the mantle of lad… the LAD of Liberty, and while Scruffy isn’t certain he shouldn’t have hemmed the bottom of the robe of freedom, and let me tell you with this early morning breeze, Scruffy can feel that breeze in the undershorts of democracy…
Scruffy attempts to pull the hem of the toga down a bit, it’s not entirely successful, the legs of his George Washington crossing the Potomac boxers partially visible. He is also barefoot, and his feet are wet.
Scruffy Burns:
It seems that Scruffy Burns may have been wrong about a coupla things, but let me pivot away from that to Joe Nobody.
Joe, I understand the difficulties you and your family have experienced, I too know the pain of having to still receive Netflix via the Post Office, and living in a part of the world where you have to have the internet mailed to you, and your well-known difficulties in defeating potted plants across a vast swath of wrestling…
America sympathizes with you and even though you haven’t yet pinned a ficus tree or figured out how to put a DVD in your VHS Players, America wants to send her your condolences!
Don’t deny American Joe, just because you didn’t go to the best schools, drink the cleanest water, or wear clothing made in the best gosh-heckin’ country on Earth, and your shoes are mostly rubber tires with a bit of string, that is no reason to go full Benedict Arnold and try to sell out to the British or whatever country doesn’t like multi-man matches.
But HECK! Here I am giving away YOUR life story, a story of being robbed by possums and other little critters. Being the same lovable loser that everyone loves to love, and no one wants to cringe at.
And LITTLE BUDDY! I believe in you, your whole story hasn’t been written, the chapters of being lost in unlighted closets, and that one time you got your fist stuck in a full can of beans, and needed to be covered in butter and run down the crick.
BY GOLLY, THAT’S AMERICA JOE! You’ve been doing it your entire life, and you can hop on the ole glory wagon, and see what’s ‘round the next bend, just as soon as we get that tooooob of toothpaste unjammed from your ear and you realize you can’t wear a birds nest as a hat!
By Gum Joe, we’re gonna get you a GED, and a minimum wage job following parades and waving flags! Big thumbs up are in your future! No more being fired for crashing into old ladies and tripping into puddles on dry days for you! NO SIREE!
Scruffy extends a gigantic thumbs up directly at whoever is in charge of these shenanigans. It was at this moment “Lady Liberty” returned and started spraying the grass, and by proxy and not accidentally Scruffy as well, He beamed a gigantic smile taking it all in stride.
Scruffy Burns:
Now I know now, that I didn’t know then, that Eddie Havok wasn’t from AMERICA! He is from some other third-world country without running water, but also running toilets? Lady Liberty seemed to be as confused in the telling of that story as I was in the hearing of it. Eddie Havok is a man of few words, stoic, standing up the bough of a sinking ship, standing erect, abreast, and magisterial as the wave begin to lap up on his boots, proud, docile, as he looks over the horizon at the old old wooden boat, the USS Constitution as it fires its aft deck cannons once again in a crescendo…
HEY, NOT THE FACE! YOU PROMISED!
Scruffy sputters as “Lady Liberty” while looking at her phone errantly sprays Scruffy Burns right in the face.
“Lady Liberty”:
Sorry Scruffy. Did you see this new TikTok?
Scruffy resumes his proud stature, soaking wet, as “Lady Liberty” re-aims the hose in the general direction of the astroturf.
Scruffy Burns:
Scruffy Burns doesn’t have time for communists or their, whatever a TikTok is! Scruffy Burns only has time for America, AND SO CAN YOU!
Where was Scruffy at? Oh yeah, rising crescendos of freedom and the ringing of liberty bells are what awaits in you in the Northernmost Protectorate of America…
Nova Scotia!
Eddie Havok, I hope you packed your knickers and pantaloons from the nineteenth century, because it’s going to be the war of eighteen-twelve ALL…
“Lady Liberty”:
Isn’t that when the Brits burned down the white house?
Scruffy considers this pensively and starts counting on his fingers.
Scruffy Burns:
NO MATTER! HISTORY PROVED WE WON, and everyone knows history repeats itself in Nov Scotia, the place so nice, they named it twice!!
“Lady Liberty”:
You are an idiot.
Scruffy ignores this while water drips off of him and the hose continues to run for no reason onto the astroturf, He pulls up full stature into a beaming, iconic statuesque pose..
Some might call it noon.
Scruffy Burns might call it America!
Scruffy Burns:
Spray this grass a little more, I want the dew of the morning that George Washington landed his great sea steed upon the rocky shores of New Britania and turned it into AMERICA!
Huge Thumbs up from Scruffy Burns, who was in a turn of the surreal is dressed as Lady Liberty. To say he looks out of place in a green toga and wearing a hastily constructed crown would be an understatement.
“Lady Liberty”:
Scruffy, no one is going to believe…
You know what, I’ll get the hose…
“Lady Liberty” today has chosen a rather normal ensemble of vintage and slightly oversized Nine In Nails “Pretty Hate Machine” T-shirt, a black wool beanie over her hair, still colored in Statue of Liberty Green, and black jean shorts. She looks, both disinterested, annoyed, and highly fascinated by this turn of events.
Scruffy Burns:
That’s right, today I have taken up the mantle of lad… the LAD of Liberty, and while Scruffy isn’t certain he shouldn’t have hemmed the bottom of the robe of freedom, and let me tell you with this early morning breeze, Scruffy can feel that breeze in the undershorts of democracy…
Scruffy attempts to pull the hem of the toga down a bit, it’s not entirely successful, the legs of his George Washington crossing the Potomac boxers partially visible. He is also barefoot, and his feet are wet.
Scruffy Burns:
It seems that Scruffy Burns may have been wrong about a coupla things, but let me pivot away from that to Joe Nobody.
Joe, I understand the difficulties you and your family have experienced, I too know the pain of having to still receive Netflix via the Post Office, and living in a part of the world where you have to have the internet mailed to you, and your well-known difficulties in defeating potted plants across a vast swath of wrestling…
America sympathizes with you and even though you haven’t yet pinned a ficus tree or figured out how to put a DVD in your VHS Players, America wants to send her your condolences!
Don’t deny American Joe, just because you didn’t go to the best schools, drink the cleanest water, or wear clothing made in the best gosh-heckin’ country on Earth, and your shoes are mostly rubber tires with a bit of string, that is no reason to go full Benedict Arnold and try to sell out to the British or whatever country doesn’t like multi-man matches.
But HECK! Here I am giving away YOUR life story, a story of being robbed by possums and other little critters. Being the same lovable loser that everyone loves to love, and no one wants to cringe at.
And LITTLE BUDDY! I believe in you, your whole story hasn’t been written, the chapters of being lost in unlighted closets, and that one time you got your fist stuck in a full can of beans, and needed to be covered in butter and run down the crick.
BY GOLLY, THAT’S AMERICA JOE! You’ve been doing it your entire life, and you can hop on the ole glory wagon, and see what’s ‘round the next bend, just as soon as we get that tooooob of toothpaste unjammed from your ear and you realize you can’t wear a birds nest as a hat!
By Gum Joe, we’re gonna get you a GED, and a minimum wage job following parades and waving flags! Big thumbs up are in your future! No more being fired for crashing into old ladies and tripping into puddles on dry days for you! NO SIREE!
Scruffy extends a gigantic thumbs up directly at whoever is in charge of these shenanigans. It was at this moment “Lady Liberty” returned and started spraying the grass, and by proxy and not accidentally Scruffy as well, He beamed a gigantic smile taking it all in stride.
Scruffy Burns:
Now I know now, that I didn’t know then, that Eddie Havok wasn’t from AMERICA! He is from some other third-world country without running water, but also running toilets? Lady Liberty seemed to be as confused in the telling of that story as I was in the hearing of it. Eddie Havok is a man of few words, stoic, standing up the bough of a sinking ship, standing erect, abreast, and magisterial as the wave begin to lap up on his boots, proud, docile, as he looks over the horizon at the old old wooden boat, the USS Constitution as it fires its aft deck cannons once again in a crescendo…
HEY, NOT THE FACE! YOU PROMISED!
Scruffy sputters as “Lady Liberty” while looking at her phone errantly sprays Scruffy Burns right in the face.
“Lady Liberty”:
Sorry Scruffy. Did you see this new TikTok?
Scruffy resumes his proud stature, soaking wet, as “Lady Liberty” re-aims the hose in the general direction of the astroturf.
Scruffy Burns:
Scruffy Burns doesn’t have time for communists or their, whatever a TikTok is! Scruffy Burns only has time for America, AND SO CAN YOU!
Where was Scruffy at? Oh yeah, rising crescendos of freedom and the ringing of liberty bells are what awaits in you in the Northernmost Protectorate of America…
Nova Scotia!
Eddie Havok, I hope you packed your knickers and pantaloons from the nineteenth century, because it’s going to be the war of eighteen-twelve ALL…
“Lady Liberty”:
Isn’t that when the Brits burned down the white house?
Scruffy considers this pensively and starts counting on his fingers.
Scruffy Burns:
NO MATTER! HISTORY PROVED WE WON, and everyone knows history repeats itself in Nov Scotia, the place so nice, they named it twice!!
“Lady Liberty”:
You are an idiot.
Scruffy ignores this while water drips off of him and the hose continues to run for no reason onto the astroturf, He pulls up full stature into a beaming, iconic statuesque pose..
