Post by Old Line Jeff on Nov 2, 2021 16:10:48 GMT -5
Ronnie Long is doing something curious.
The set for this promo is not the usual backstage hallway, and it’s not online (well actually it is, but it’s his own stream, not someone else’s), and it’s not up on a roof.
It’s actually the porch of his old farmhouse in Georgia.
It’s still pretty green in Georgia, what with the being so far south and all, and it’s a bright sunny day. The house has a wrap-around porch, and Ronnie has just, for some reason, set three pots up in a row on the bannister.
Yeah, pots.
Then he takes out a small revolver, and carefully loads exactly three bullets into it.
“I can’t say I’m happy with the way my match with Frank Windsor turned out, and I know he and the other Bastards aren’t. I do know this, though. If you think you’re going to blame Daeriq Damien’s interference on me and try to take payback out of my pockets, that’s not going to happen. If Windsor, or either of the other two, still have sights on the Openweight after the dust has settled - or hell, even before - I’m right here. I just want you to take it up with me face to face, instead of blaming and backbiting and all that. I didn’t ask Gus Arnold to hand me the title shot. Maybe he liked the fact that I showed sportsmanship. Maybe us old farts just gotta stick together.”
“Look Windsor. When I win the Openweight, I’ll give you first shot, okay?”
“I mean, you are one of the guys I thought I was joining NPW to stop. I know things kinda went sideways with all that XHF shit and half your crew going full bitchmode, but who really expected a bunch of grown men to say “public gay buttsex is always both hilarious and appropriate, and anyone who disagrees is so horribly bigoted that we can’t bear to share a planet with them and therefore we quit.”?”
And he shoots one of the pots, knocking it off the porch rail.
“Actually, I’m totally one of them. What can I say, I’m good buddies with Jeff Andrews and he spends entirely too much time on the internet. But hey, I also know what it’s like to have friends with terrible opinions. Danny Vicious is a Dallas Cowboys fan. He lives in Canada.”
“Oh, and I know it was Union Jack and Pequeno Dinosaurio that got so mad over the chilly reception their gay buttsex based comedy received that they immediately spit - didn’t stop Andrew Borgan, Old Man Parsons, and Shiteater Adkins from following them out the door. Just saying.”
Long aims his revolver at a second pot, thinks better of it, stands up and shoots the first pot a second time. It bounces a little bit and rolls over twice.
“Anyway, I have this title match now, and it’s against, ah… Steve Awesome. Yet another iteration of the time-honored… well, not so much honored as wearily tolerated… movie star wrestler.”
“The nicest thing I can say about Steve Awesome is that he does it better than Noah Hanson.”
“Apparently, Steve Awesome thinks that it’s really awesome that he was the champion when we split from the XHF. Instead of doing his job here in NPW, he decided to go get involved in some big deal tournament over there, where he beat Donzig in the finals.”
“Raise your hands if you think that’s actually legit and not Esmerelda Vas Tricks whoring her way around the XHF backstage making sure that our guy didn’t win.”
Long raises the revolver and shoots a second pot.
“You’d almost never hear me go there, but when the woman decides that what's appropriate for NPW television is live BDSM sex, yeah, I think ‘going there’ is legit. And no, I’m not a Donzig fanboy, he and I are going to end up across the ring from each other sooner or later. I’m just saying that I have a finely tuned bullshit meter and low tolerance. Hey, at least I’m not going to be a ‘problematic cishetero dudebro’ or ‘chud’ or whatever the insult du jour they’ve come up with and call Steve a homophobic slur for turning her down. I would’ve too. And not just because I’m married. I don’t care to wear the sickly scent of corruption as cologne.”
A bullet is placed in the third pot, and it pongs off the porch rail.
“So, onto Steve Awesome himself, the Openweight Champion.”
Ronnie checks to make sure the revolver is unloaded, then pockets it.
“What, exactly, did Steve Awesome do to earn his way into the upper card of NPW? Was it how he won the contendership because Joe Ghaven was bribed to drop the fall, and immediately lost to “D”? Or how he immediately recovered from that loss by… losing to Jesse Jamester, losing another couple matches, then getting ANOTHER shot because Esmerelda schoolboy pinned some other woman in a mixed tag match?”
“There are a lot of talented wrestlers in this game that fall through the cracks and simply never get the chances they deserve, and somehow, Steve Awesome did the opposite. He fell upwards through the cracks into the Openweight title scene despite the fact that he never won his own matches and never actually accomplished ANYTHING here in NPW. Aside from beating “D” in a rematch where the real winner was the gorilla in the corner.”
“Fact of the matter is, Steve Awesome got everything he got by association. He can announce himself the face of the franchise of the CWA all he wants, we all know why he’s gone silent, and we all know that HE knows he’s about to get exposed as an overrated, overhyped paper champion.”
And that’s all we’ve got.
The set for this promo is not the usual backstage hallway, and it’s not online (well actually it is, but it’s his own stream, not someone else’s), and it’s not up on a roof.
It’s actually the porch of his old farmhouse in Georgia.
It’s still pretty green in Georgia, what with the being so far south and all, and it’s a bright sunny day. The house has a wrap-around porch, and Ronnie has just, for some reason, set three pots up in a row on the bannister.
Yeah, pots.
Then he takes out a small revolver, and carefully loads exactly three bullets into it.
“I can’t say I’m happy with the way my match with Frank Windsor turned out, and I know he and the other Bastards aren’t. I do know this, though. If you think you’re going to blame Daeriq Damien’s interference on me and try to take payback out of my pockets, that’s not going to happen. If Windsor, or either of the other two, still have sights on the Openweight after the dust has settled - or hell, even before - I’m right here. I just want you to take it up with me face to face, instead of blaming and backbiting and all that. I didn’t ask Gus Arnold to hand me the title shot. Maybe he liked the fact that I showed sportsmanship. Maybe us old farts just gotta stick together.”
“Look Windsor. When I win the Openweight, I’ll give you first shot, okay?”
“I mean, you are one of the guys I thought I was joining NPW to stop. I know things kinda went sideways with all that XHF shit and half your crew going full bitchmode, but who really expected a bunch of grown men to say “public gay buttsex is always both hilarious and appropriate, and anyone who disagrees is so horribly bigoted that we can’t bear to share a planet with them and therefore we quit.”?”
And he shoots one of the pots, knocking it off the porch rail.
“Actually, I’m totally one of them. What can I say, I’m good buddies with Jeff Andrews and he spends entirely too much time on the internet. But hey, I also know what it’s like to have friends with terrible opinions. Danny Vicious is a Dallas Cowboys fan. He lives in Canada.”
“Oh, and I know it was Union Jack and Pequeno Dinosaurio that got so mad over the chilly reception their gay buttsex based comedy received that they immediately spit - didn’t stop Andrew Borgan, Old Man Parsons, and Shiteater Adkins from following them out the door. Just saying.”
Long aims his revolver at a second pot, thinks better of it, stands up and shoots the first pot a second time. It bounces a little bit and rolls over twice.
“Anyway, I have this title match now, and it’s against, ah… Steve Awesome. Yet another iteration of the time-honored… well, not so much honored as wearily tolerated… movie star wrestler.”
“The nicest thing I can say about Steve Awesome is that he does it better than Noah Hanson.”
“Apparently, Steve Awesome thinks that it’s really awesome that he was the champion when we split from the XHF. Instead of doing his job here in NPW, he decided to go get involved in some big deal tournament over there, where he beat Donzig in the finals.”
“Raise your hands if you think that’s actually legit and not Esmerelda Vas Tricks whoring her way around the XHF backstage making sure that our guy didn’t win.”
Long raises the revolver and shoots a second pot.
“You’d almost never hear me go there, but when the woman decides that what's appropriate for NPW television is live BDSM sex, yeah, I think ‘going there’ is legit. And no, I’m not a Donzig fanboy, he and I are going to end up across the ring from each other sooner or later. I’m just saying that I have a finely tuned bullshit meter and low tolerance. Hey, at least I’m not going to be a ‘problematic cishetero dudebro’ or ‘chud’ or whatever the insult du jour they’ve come up with and call Steve a homophobic slur for turning her down. I would’ve too. And not just because I’m married. I don’t care to wear the sickly scent of corruption as cologne.”
A bullet is placed in the third pot, and it pongs off the porch rail.
“So, onto Steve Awesome himself, the Openweight Champion.”
Ronnie checks to make sure the revolver is unloaded, then pockets it.
“What, exactly, did Steve Awesome do to earn his way into the upper card of NPW? Was it how he won the contendership because Joe Ghaven was bribed to drop the fall, and immediately lost to “D”? Or how he immediately recovered from that loss by… losing to Jesse Jamester, losing another couple matches, then getting ANOTHER shot because Esmerelda schoolboy pinned some other woman in a mixed tag match?”
“There are a lot of talented wrestlers in this game that fall through the cracks and simply never get the chances they deserve, and somehow, Steve Awesome did the opposite. He fell upwards through the cracks into the Openweight title scene despite the fact that he never won his own matches and never actually accomplished ANYTHING here in NPW. Aside from beating “D” in a rematch where the real winner was the gorilla in the corner.”
“Fact of the matter is, Steve Awesome got everything he got by association. He can announce himself the face of the franchise of the CWA all he wants, we all know why he’s gone silent, and we all know that HE knows he’s about to get exposed as an overrated, overhyped paper champion.”
And that’s all we’ve got.
